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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Most common questions are answered here.
If your question is not answered, click here
Question: We are a younger couple in our early 20s. We have enjoyed an open relationship for a couple of years, and it seems we have been swingers before we even knew what the term swinging meant. Is there another term to describe the lifestyle for our generation? Quite frankly, hearing the word swinging conjures up images of fifty and sixty year old couples with tattoos dancing naked to the Macarena. What phrase can be used to capture our generation of open relationships, or should we be happy that we dont have such a stigmatic term to be associated with?
Answer: You have raised an issue that many people in this lifestyle, regardless of their age, have pondered and discussed before. The term swinging does come with certain baggage and can even be considered a little nostalgic in this day and age of more and more non-traditional relationships. We use the word sparingly on our website, only because many people need to make that association to understand the purpose of our events. The term The Lifestyle has recently become increasingly accepted as a more politically correct term, although we feel it still falls short of accurately describing or encompassing this thing that we all enjoy doing so much. Its also a little pretentious to refer to ones lifestyle as The Lifestyle, implying that all of the other lifestyles dont count in some way! Theres also the term Polyamory, which to many, sounds a tad bit earthy and brings to mind images of island communal living and mandatory sandal wearing.
One of our primary goals in starting the Velvet Curtain was to find a way to be a voice for the new generation of people who enjoy non-traditional relationships, but are less inclined to define themselves as being part of a designated group with a label, per se. In fact, we believe that the day will come, hopefully in the not too distant future, when what we now know as traditional relationships will become a thing of the past and people will be able to live their lives as they see fit in any kind of relationship configuration that suits their purpose. The indicators are already pointing in that direction, as we run across more young couples and people who have multiple partners or couples with girlfriends, who enjoy open relationships quite naturally so much so that they are unaware that generations before them had to make a concerted effort to pursue the same kind of lifestyle and to find people of like mind. In the meantime, yes, it appears as though we do have to call it something so that people who want to pursue it will know where to go to meet others who enjoy it. If you have any ideas for what you would like to call this enigmatic lifestyle, feel free to submit your idea to the Velvet Curtain and we will start a running list of new terms that could be used to describe it. Ya never know maybe someday your idea will be the new term for the new generation of open-minded people!
First submission:
Frolicking. Used in a sentence; Do you guys like to frolic?
Alternative terms that dont work and why:
Do you wanna Party? This can mean anything from can I have sex with your wife to Im two seconds away from smashing this beer bottle over your head to Ive got some really kind bud.
Are you Players? This might work upon meeting a sexy couple at a bar, but is usually reserved for light conversation at pimp conventions.
Question: I recently completed your on-line interview form, was accepted as a guest, and attended a party. However, I am no longer receiving invitations for your parties. Have I been removed from the invitation list, or should I re-submit the on-line interview information?
Answer: Once you complete the on-line interview form at our website and are accepted as a member, you are placed on our invitation list and will be notified of all upcoming events. If you do not receive an invitation for a new party, it is probably due to your e-mail server rejecting our invitations as spam. You may do one of three things; Adjust the settings on your e-mail account so that you do not filter out spam, adjust your settings so that you can receive all e-mails from velvetcurtain@earthlink.net , or check our website periodically for new party dates and re-complete the interview form on a per-party basis.
Question: Are you open every weekend?
Answer: The Velvet Curtain is not a night club. We are a private party at a private residence. Our location is a 6000 square foot renovated movie theatre, complete with a Studio 54 style balcony lounge, dance floor, and state of the art sound and lighting system. We have one event per month, and the rest of the time, the space serves as a private loft and art studio for the residents who live there.
Question: My girlfriend and I are new to this, not to mention we wish discretion, and would like more information. We would like to attend. I'm sorry if we sound paranoid, but we are probably a little over cautious. Right now we would prefer email for a few exchanges, then we would like to meet with you both personally for conversation so we can get a better understanding of the lifestyle before jumping in, figuratively speaking.
Answer: Coming to a Velvet Curtain party or any other 'lifestyle' event for the first time is a lot like swimming. The water seems a little cold, the diving boards seem really high when you're standing on the edge, but once you jump in and start splashing around, it's not long before you're having fun, and you forget what you were even scared about! The most important thing you need to know is not what kind of environment you are going to walk into, or what kinds of people you will meet, but what the understanding is between the two of you. Have a plan in place for socializing and interacting with others so that you feel secure with the boundaries that you have established for yourselves. Have some discussions about what your expectations will be and how you plan on responding to others who you will rubbing elbows with at parties and clubs. Decide in advance what your rules will be, keep your commitment to each other to follow them, and you will be fine.
Going to a 'lifestyle' event is no different than going to any other social venue. You will not be pounced on by predators lying in wait for new or nave couples to walk in the door! If anything, seasoned 'lifestylers' will be overly sensitive to the fact that you are new to the lifestyle, and will wait for you to make the first move. There are rules of etiquette in every social venue, and 'swinging' is no different than any other. People in the 'lifestyle' are known for being very respectful of the preferences and agendas of others, regardless of whether they are new to the 'lifestyle' or experienced.
We guarantee all newcomers to the Velvet Curtain that your fears and apprehensions will dissipate within the first 15 minutes after arriving. But obviously, because of the constraints of time, we do not have the ability to personally initiate or spend one on one time with every respondent who is considering attending one of our events. It's up to you to discuss with each other and decide to 'take the plunge', per se', to come check out a 'lifestyle' event. As always, no one is obligated to 'hook up' with anyone at any 'lifestyle' event, and the Velvet Curtain is a very safe venue to meet other couples at and to get a feel for the 'lifestyle' without feeling pressured or intimidated. Let us know when you're ready to visit the VC and we assure you that you will have a great time!
Question: What kinds of people are attracted to 'the lifestyle', i.e., socioeconomic backgrounds and careers, recreational interests, etc.?
Answer: You will find people from all walks of life within the swinging community, but interestingly enough, the two professions that are seen the most among people who participate in the lifestyle are teachers and police officers. There is plenty of literature and on-line information to corroborate this claim. Why police officers? The swinging lifestyle started in post WW II era in the military. Air Force officers were the first to widen their horizons, per se', with sharing each other's wives. Their contention was that they would rather have a fellow officer take care of his wife's sexual needs while he was away, and vice versa, than to come home to discover that she had been having a full blown affair with Joe Schmuck who she met at the local watering hole. Social events in the military included 'key parties', where all of the men's keys would be thrown into a bowl, the women would draw keys out one by one, and go home for an evening of fun with whomever's keys she had picked. Although actual 'key parties' have somewhat gone by the wayside, members of the military are still very active in the lifestyle. We have personally attended a party where virtually every person present was in the military.
So what do many men and women who are in the military do once they join the ranks of civilians? They go into a field that they already have training and expertise in, which is the police force. This is also why you will find in the lifestyle, a high number of airline pilots who decide to further their careers in flying after leaving the Air Force. There also seems to be a pattern of people in the lifestyle who lead very structured careers that require a high level of discipline. This explains the high number of teachers, doctors, engineers and various capacities of employment in the IT industry. It is an interesting commentary on humanity to discover that although people can lead very structured careers and very traditional family lives, there is still an innate need to break out of the mold of an outwardly conservative lifestyle and explore the possibilities in a realm that is normally thought of by society as 'taboo'. It also explains why areas and cities in the country that are known to be relatively conservative, such as Dallas, have a larger number of alternative and/or underground clubs and social venues, catering to those pursuing a little 'spice' in their lives!
Most couples in the lifestyle are middle to upper class, live primarily in the suburbs, and rarely, if ever, engage in illicit drug use. Most people in the lifestyle have never been in trouble with the law. People in the lifestyle share a zest for life unmatched in other segments of society. They are usually religious, but mildly so, very active socially, and have a distinct appreciation for the simple joys of laughter. Because of their desire to be honest with one another sexually, most couples in the lifestyle have a high level of integrity, as compared to couples who might have a pre-disposition to cheat on each other. Lifestyle couple's desire to be honest sexually with each other is an indicator that they have opted to live honestly in other areas of their lives as well. Hypocrisy and judgementalism are virtually nonexistent among people who enjoy the swinging lifestyle. We can say with confidence that the best and most reliable friends one can make are those who enjoy the openness and freedom of the swinging lifestyle!
Question: We are planning on attending a Velvet Curtain party, but we are concerned about what might happen if we run into someone we know, such as a family member or co-worker. What is your advice regarding someone chancing upon an acquaintance at a swinger party or club?
Answer: Does the term double jeopardy mean anything? Most people tend to be a tad bit reactionary about this possibility without thinking it through. Lets take the worst case scenario; You run into your boss at a swinger party. Most people assume they will go back home and start finding some boxes to take to work on Monday to pack all of their stuff up in. Now do you think your boss is really gonna fire you because he/she saw you at a swinger party he/she was attending? What will really probably happen is that you and your boss will stare wide eyed at each other for what may seem like an eternity. Then you will suddenly realize there is one less person at work who could f*** your career up if they find out youre in the lifestyle. You have just made a new ally! Look forward to lots of new bonding and interesting conversations with that person who USED to intimidate you a little bit, but is now on a little more of an equal level. Youll go out after work one day for a few beers and talk about how long youve both been in the lifestyle and all of your experiences. And imagine how much fun the next company Holiday party will be, flirting with each others spouses! Honestly, can you really imagine anything else happening? Most people choose to take the route of civility; especially when you & the boss have nothing to lose by sharing a marvelous secret with each other and everything to lose by using that mutual secret to hurt each other. We should all HOPE that we run into our bosses at a swinger party!
Question:
My husband and I have never attended the VC but are very interested. My only hesitation is my fear of encountering STDs. Do you have a policy on STD disclosure? If not, do you have any suggestions on how to approach this subject?
Answer:
Despite the fact that the 'swinging' lifestyle is perceived by many outsiders as comprised of wildly promiscuous people, 'swingers' are among one of the safest demographics in the country with regard to STD's.
How can this be, you ask? It is mostly because people in the 'lifestyle' do not come into contact, generally speaking, with what are considered to be high risk groups.
1. People in the lifestyle prefer not to do drugs, or go to parties or
events where drug use is encouraged or tolerated, therefore the risk of
infection from people who share needles, or who have weak immune systems
from frequent drug use, is little to none.
2. Singles males are usually not allowed into 'lifestyle' parties or
clubs, or their participation is very limited. Therefore, 'lifestyle'
couples rarely, if ever, have sexual contact with single males who may
or may not be gay or bisexual and who may be in contact with other men
who are HIV positive. Single females who date different male partners
regularly are actually at higher risk than couples who are sexually
active with other couples.
3. People in the 'lifestyle' are, generally speaking, more responsible
with using safe sex practices. When you have a partner acting as a
conscience for you in an intimate setting with another couple, you are
more inclined to practice safe sex or to be reminded to do so.
4. The rate of infidelity among people who are NOT in the 'swinging'
lifestyle is fairly high. As much as half of all allegedly monogamous
married males and 35% of all married females admit to having had
extra-marital affairs, although the sources of many surveys indicate
that the numbers are estimated to be higher, in order to account for
those who would not admit to cheating, even on an anonymous survey.
When a person decides to cheat on their spouse, especially if the person
cheating is male, he is many times inclined to pursue the easiest, most
discreet, and quickest route to sexual gratification, often choosing a
prostitute as a means. Of course, prostitutes remain one of the highest
risk demographics for STD's and HIV. You won't find 'swingers' going to
prostitutes for sex. Obviously, why would anyone pay to have sex with a
stranger when you can have it for free with your best friend's spouse!?
All of this information should not undermine the fact that every time you have sex with someone other than your partner, you are taking a risk that the person you are with may have an STD. The Velvet Curtain cannot assume the responsibility or liability of managing an STD disclosure policy. It is imperative, however, to always practice safe sex in any scenario, regardless of how well you know or are comfortable with another couple. Practicing safe sex shows respect for yourself, your partner, and helps to ensure that those in the lifestyle can continue to enjoy the benefits of open relationships and friendships without the worries of STD's.
Question: What happens if we RSVP for a party and then can't come?
Answer: We give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If you attend our parties regularly and, once in a blue moon, have to cancel, it's not a problem. However, be forewarned, our database is fully equipped with the newest and most modern version of Flake Zapper! If you show a history of being a flake, and no-show or cancel repeatedly for parties, you are thrown on the flake pile.
Question: Can you tell us a little bit about your dress code?
Answer: Dressy casual for men and dressy or sexy-casual for women. For the guys, this could mean a polo, button-down or casual shirt (no t-shirts) with slacks or nice jeans and some men prefer to wear a jacket. We ask that the guys do not wear torn jeans, tennis shoes, shorts or hats of any kind. Cowboy hats are not allowed. (Hats ARE permissable on men for costumes or theme events). For the ladies, anything from a semi-formal, casual or party dress or outfit is fine and some women prefer to wear lingerie. Fetish, leather, and gothic wear are always welcome, to be worn by the guys and the girls at VC parties! We always encourage you to get a little wild with your wardrobe and use your imagination. Shoes are to be worn at all times in or outside of the function. PLEASE make sure your clothing is streetworthy while entering or leaving the party. You may avoid attracting outside attention by wearing a light coat, jacket or sarong in the summer or a long coat in the colder months. We do have a coat check for such items.
Question: How late do you accept guests?
Answer: You may arrive anytime between the hours of 8:00 and 2:00 at the VC, however because all of the seating is first come, first serve, your chances of getting a table of your choice is better the earlier you arrive. We do hold tables for staff members who are part of the welcoming committee. If you would be interested in being part of the welcoming committee, e-mail us at the Velvet Curtain!
Question: My husband is a very high class cowboy. Is it OK to wear cowboy attire?
Answer: Well, pardner, we're gonna have ta' cut ya' off at the pass & throw your posse' in the hoosegow. Being in Texas, we do get occasional requests for someone to be allowed to wear cowboy attire or hats. We have opted to not include cowboy attire in our dress code, for various reasons. We ask that you enjoy the freedom to wear cowboy hats, etc. at all of the other venues in Texas that allow that particular attire, but please leave the cowboy hat & clothes on and in your dresser when you come to a VC party. Thanks in advance for your cooperation.
Question: Do you allow cigarette smoking at the parties? If so, do you separate the smokers from the non-smokers, or can they mix & mingle while they smoke?
Answer: The Velvet Curtain does allow smoking, however we also have a special section of tables that are marked non-smoking for our guests who prefer to be exposed to a minimal amount of second-hand smoke. We cannot guarantee that the non-smoking section will be entirely free of smoke drifting from other sections of the room, however we do strictly enforce the non-smoking rule for any tables marked non-smoking. If you see someone smoking at a non-smoking table, please bring it to our attention and we will address your concerns immediately.
Question: My wife and I are new to the lifestyle. We have enjoyed some of the places we have gone to and have made some friends with great people. We are also, however, Christians and attend church regularly. How does one in the 'lifestyle' deal with an apparent conflict between what the bible says about adultery and enjoying a lifestyle that, for all intents and purposes, seems to be quite healthy and brings no harm to anyone?
Answer: Adultery can be an ambiguous term. For some, it means doing so little as having 'thoughts' about being with someone other than one's spouse. For others, it simply means doing something deceptive, behind the back of your partner. When you exchange your wedding vows, there is usually nothing in your vows that say you cannot openly share your partner in intimate situations with others. Wedding vows are more about trust, integrity, and promising to support and be with your spouse, regardless of health, finances or other challenges that a couple meets in their life together. The organization 'Liberated Christians' espouses that there is nothing in the bible that indicates that loving couples cannot share open relationships on a sexual level with others. They believe that all interpretations of the bible which forbid open sexuality are inaccurate and politically motivated. For more information about 'Liberated Christians' go to: www.libchrist.com
Question: We have never attended a party, but are wondering if there are others our age that attend or with same ethnic background -We are a young, 25yr old black couple...
Answer: The Velvet Curtain welcomes and encourages people of all ages, ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds to attend our events. The average age range of those who attend is mostly in the 21 to 45 range, with some over 45. Our parties are comprised of people of all ethnic persuasions and we are one of the most diverse and dynamic groups of people in the lifestyle you will ever find. No matter what segment of society you associate with or belong to, you will find new friends at the VC!
Question: We live in Dallas but heard about The Velvet Curtain when we were at Colette in New Orleans last year. Please let us know where you're located, and the best way to reach you. Is VC similar to the way Colette is operated?
Answer: Club Colette in New Orleans, as other private clubs for couples, is commonly referred to as an on-premise location, meaning that sexual activity can and does take place on the premises. The Velvet Curtain is also a private party, but we are an off-premise event, so sexual intercourse and/or oral sex are not allowed at our parties. We do have everyone entering the party sign a waiver form, claiming that they will not be offended if they see anything construed as lewd behavior. This is designed to legally protect our guests in the event that something occurs without our knowledge on the premises. People are, however, allowed to dress quite provocatively and 'let their hair down' a little bit, per se'. We find nothing wrong with on-premise locations and have enjoyed going to some ourselves, but the VC is designed merely as a social venue for people to meet, network, and of course dance, party & have a great time. Of course, for those who wish to 'take things a little further' there is a hotel just a few blocks away, where we have discount rates and where there are always 'after-parties' going on after the VC closes at 2:00 AM. We do not normally disclose our location to prospective guests until they complete our on-line interview form and are accepted as a guest to a party.
Question: We are a professional couple who are curious about the lifestyle, but we frankly have a lot to lose if the information provided is not guarded from prying eyes that may be hostile to the lifestyle (unfortunately, sometimes we feel we live in the buckle of the Bible Belt) the idea of a "hard copy file" is worrisome. Can you provide us with some reassurance?
Answer: As promised on our online interview page, we absolutely guarantee confidentiality. The contact information obtained by completing the form allows us to update members on future events. We keep a hard copy on file for legal reasons, so that any claims of being offended by anyone attending our parties will not hold any legal merit. This information is not shared with or sold to anyone. Because of our guests desire for discretion, selling or sharing our member list with anyone would damage our credibility and would not be worth any temporary profit. As a member of the Velvet Curtain, your privacy is assured.
Question: My wife and I haven't been to the Velvet Curtain yet, but we did visit another club recently. I have to tell you though, we were not at all impressed with most of the clientele. We are a very attractive couple in our late twenties and early thirties. When I say very attractive, I mean damn good looking. However, most of the people who were there were in their fifties or were not at all attractive. Only very few were attractive, and there were no single women. All were attached to a man or a couple. NO single women came by themselves. We would like to visit your establishment next month, but we hope that you have more to offer. Please let me know. Thank you.
Answer: Always nice to hear from Adonis & Aphrodite. How're things on Olympus? We hear parking is a bitch there. One of the nice things about participating in the 'lifestyle' is that one can go to any given event, club or party and meet people from all walks of life, age ranges and all shapes and sizes. It is our sentiment that beauty is always in the eye of the beholder, and when one has been in the 'lifestyle' long enough, a certain level of maturity comes with that experience. By this, we mean that more importance is put on the kinds of people you choose to spend time with and less importance on their physical appearance. We have seen couples come and go enough to know that 'newbies', as they are commonly referred to in the lifestyle, put a lot of importance on physical looks and are always searching for the 'golden unicorn', (our inside euphemism for the illusive single female). If you choose to give this lifestyle a fair shake, you will realize that sometimes the best friendships worth pursuing may not always be in a perfect package, physically speaking. You will also realize that there are only three single females per 50,000 'newbie' couples who are pursuing them. As they say, the brain is the sexiest organ in the body, and you will find that sex with others is much more gratifying if you choose friends you are compatible with in ways other than just physical appearance. And we advise all the guys who don't want to share their woman with another man to let go of the notion that there is a 'golden unicorn' for every one of you. Your odds are better if you go to Vegas & play the slots.
Question: How does the staff and members of the Velvet Curtain treat "newbies" who are shy to mingle? Are there games, ect.?
Answer: The Velvet Curtain is a great place for people who are new to the lifestyle to be introduced to a lifestyle party! We have an exceptionally friendly and gregarious crowd, and our regular guests are always interested in seeing new faces and making new friends. We also have a welcoming committee and they will take you on a tour of the premises, introduce you to the staff as well as other guests, help you find a table and check in on you periodically to see if you're comfortable and having a good time. On non-theme party nights we have a 'mixer', which is an ice breaker game designed to warm the group up and encourage people to circulate. We realize that everyone has had that first experience of walking into a lifestyle party or club and feeling anxious and nervous, so we do everything we can to make sure your first lifestyle party is a pleasant, fun and pressure free experience. If you don't have a great time at your first VC party, then it can't happen anywhere else!
Question: I'm newly relocated to the Dallas/Forth Worth area. I'm married and my wife doesn't know about my interest in the 'lifestyle'. Is the Velvet Curtain open for a married fella to take the occasional 'dip in the pool' so to speak?
Answer: Sorry, senator. Your bill has been voted down. The clubs, parties and participants of this lifestyle frown heavily upon someone who deceptively attempts to enter the lifestyle in order to cheat on their partner or spouse behind his or her back. People are in this lifestyle for the very reason that they can share their partners and experiences openly and honestly with others and not have to 'sneak around' for new sexual experiences. The one person in your life that you should be able to rely on and trust imperatively is your spouse or partner and if you can't trust them or they can't trust you, then your life is a sad state of affairs. Remember, 'swinging' is for healthy couples who respect each other. Cheating is for politicians with no balls and social climbers who turn their noses up at swingers. You don't need 'swinging'. You need counseling.
Question: We are newbies and have only attended two functions devoted to this lifestyle, both at the VC. It's is a great club and everyone we have met has been great. The issue we seem to be running into, though, is that most of the women are bi and my wife is very straight. We both feel this lifestyle is new and exciting and want to pursue it, but my wife is beginning to feel she has to be bi to be part of it. Neither one of us has any issues with people's sexual preferences. It's just not her thing and I'm afraid if we are not able to find anyone with our same likes, then she will no longer want to continue going. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Answer: First impression might lead one to think that there are an inordinate number of bisexual women in the swinging lifestyle, and many couples do pursue being in the lifestyle for this reason. It's important to keep in mind, though, that there are as many 'agendas' with couples in the lifestyle as there are couples. Every couple has their idea as to what kinds of other couples they may or may not be compatible with. Although it can be discouraging sometimes to not be able to find certain couples you feel you have interests in common with, persistence is definitely the key, just as it might be for single people who occasionally become discouraged with the dating scene. Yes, there is a large percentage of women in the lifestyle who are bi-sexual, but there are guaranteed to be many women who are also straight and not necessarily interested in being with other women. Whatever your personal interest is in how you pursue the lifestyle, you can assume there will be several other couples at any given party or event who have the same preferences. The key, once again is patience and persistence. Make it a point to meet as many people as you can at a VC party or other events, which will increase the odds that you will meet someone of like mind. Eventually, you will be able to get a better feel for how other couples are responding to you in social situations and conversation, and it will take less and less time for you to determine whether or not you are compatible with them. Don't be afraid to ask what someone is 'in to', rather than spend a good part of the evening trying to second guess them. Most people are very frank about what their interests are and appreciate your honesty as well. If you are genuinely interested in being in the lifestyle, keep putting yourself out there and meeting other people and don't get discouraged. You WILL find some other people who are looking for the same things you are in lifestyle friendships!
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